Buy a Hummer to Prove Your Manliness!
While watching television the other evening, I had an epiphany. Any lack of self-esteem I possessed could be remedied by driving my wimpy car down to the local General Motors dealer to purchase a brand new Hummer.
Obviously, I lack self-esteem because I'm a vegetarian. Vegetables and tofu are not food for "real men." Real men eat a rack of ribs and a bag of chips and invariably suffer from a number of degenerative ailments like heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. So, if I continue to follow my unmanly diet of fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, nuts, and seeds, my only salvation is that Hummer.
Picture a television commercial with two men waiting in the checkout line at the supermarket. The first man is buying vegetables and a container of tofu. Looking behind him, he sees a man with a large rack of ribs and a bag of chips. Embarrassed by what he sees, the vegetarian man dashes out of the store and purchases a Hummer H3. The tagline that concludes the commercial says, "Reclaim your Manhood."
My question is, "Do I have to change my diet, or will I be able to restore my manliness by just purchasing a Hummer?"
Other questions consume me. Will a Hummer H2 make me feel more masculine than an H3? Or will I have to prove virility by driving around in an H1 to show how much testosterone I have under my hood?
I decided to visit my friendly General Motors dealer to see how much it would cost me to demonstrate my studliness. If I wanted the bottom of the line H3 Sport Utility vehicle, it would cost me at least $29,000. This stylish, manly vehicle would give me a remarkable 16 mpg (miles per gallon) in the city and 20 mpg on the road. But the H3 is strictly for the peasants who are trying to show off. The real machismo is in the H2 and H1.
The H2 Sport Utility model will set me back around $53,000 while the H1 Alpha will drain my wallet to the tune of $129,000 to $140,000. The H1 is for alpha males who don't care how much they spend to show their metal. Really exciting to me was that I could crowd five people into the H2 and H3, but only four into the very pricy H1.
No gas mileage figures are available for the H1 or H2. The rumored mileage for the H2 is around 10 mpg. The surprise is that the H1 claims 16 mpg in the city and 19 mpg on the road while the H3 claims similar figures. According to government fuel economy statistics http://www.fueleconomy.gov/feg/bymake/Hummer2006.shtml the 2006 H3 emits a whopping 10.6 tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere yearly.
As the doggerel poet would say:
On second thought, I've decided to remain my wimpy, self-esteemed challenged vegetarian self. I just can't give up those delicious nutritious fresh fruits and veggies. I'll just tell myself I can be just as manly and far healthier without that clunky Hummer. Let those "ultra secure" Hummer rib eaters continue to show their manliness by destroying the environment as they fail to hear the anguished squeals of the creatures they're eating.
Perhaps, I'll go out and price one of those 4-cylinder hybrid Toyota Prius models that clocks 60 mpg in the city and 51 mpg on the road and only gives off 3.4 tons of greenhouse gases yearly. With the money I save, I can throw a lavish party for all my vegan buddies who want to reclaim their manhood. Maybe I'll flaunt my macho self-esteem by tossing a tofu steak on the barbecue.