Vegetarians in Paradise/McDonald's Vegetarian Menu

April 1, 2005 -- Vegparadise News Bureau

McDonald's Adopts Vegetarian Menu

Responding to slumping sales and costly lawsuits, McDonald's has totally revamped its menu to feature only vegetarian items. Gone are the Quarter Pounders, Big Macs, Egg McMuffins, and Filet-o-Fish sandwiches as the world's largest purveyor of fast foods takes on the task of becoming more health oriented to fend off further legal problems.

Replacing the traditional golden arches at each restaurant will be a giant M formed by two arched trellises wrapped with spiraling leaves of kale, collards, bok choy, broccoli and other greens prominent in a vegetarian diet.

"We feel this new menu and d&ecute;cor will respond to the health desires of every American and revolutionize the fast food industry," says Rachel McFlack, McDonald's Public Relations Director. "It's important that we get it right this time," she added. Vegetarianism

McFlack said the company is rolling out an array of new sandwiches, salads, and desserts. Heading the list of new sandwiches to appear next month is the Hi Carb McSpaghettiwich that fills a giant sesame seed bun with a quarter pound of marinara pasta. This 100-carb creation delivers only 600 calories and is designed to dribble down a blouse or shirt, the true test for a popular sandwich. The McSpaghettiwich was greeted with a howl of protests from executives at Atkins Nutritionals.

Customers at the company's restaurants will now be greeted with a sign that asks, "Have you McFu'd today?" McFu'd refers to their new $6 Filet-o-Tofu that has been dubbed the Big McFu. It replaces their Filet-o-Fish.

Filling in for the Big Mac is the new McBean Blast Burger, a sandwich that combines five beans into a patty and is guaranteed to rock the neighborhood. The company's slogan for this item is "The Blast that does a body good."

Replacing the Quarter Pounder is the new McBroccoli Cordon Bleu that squeezes a quarter pound of broccoli into a giant sesame bun, topped with romaine lettuce, tomatoes, onions, alfalfa sprouts and soy cheese. The company believes this "sensation" will have other fast-food chains green with envy. Burger Bird

Also announced is a significant colorful change of procedure for preparing French fries. Instead of beef flavoring, McValue Fries will come in three flavors: pea, beet, and banana in shades of green, red, and yellow. In an effort to reduce trans fats, the company has ordered its franchises to replace the oil in the fryers every three days instead of every two weeks.

Two new twists in salads for those into light eating will be added to the menu. Emulating fine dining, the McOnion Garlic Hot Breath Salad not only sports onions and garlic, but also includes proper doses of Tums julienne and shredded Rolaids. The McAntioxidant Tossed Salad contains an array of vitamin and supplement pills tossed onto a bed of iceberg lettuce. The company boasts that this salad contains all of the US RDA recommendations for vitamins and minerals.

Featured on the dessert menu is McMushroom Sorbet, destined to become an award-winning fungal dessert, and the McTofu Turnover, a pastry combining silken tofu, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, and grapefruit slices. In taste tests around the country, the turnover has people across the country clamoring.

In an effort to attract more vegan customers, McDonald's is introducing a new line of McTriple Thick Milkless Shakes in three creamy flavors: rutabaga, avocado, and Jerusalem artichoke. These will be laced with protein powder for those vegans who are frequently asked, "Where do you get your protein?"

Because of the notoriety the company received in the film documentary Supersize Me, none of the items will be available in McSupersize portions.

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